Phallacies

The absolute truth, if even such a thing exists, is a massive stone, the weight of which the human soul cannot constantly bear. Our maker, whether chance or sentient force, made human consciousness flawed -- it is unable to constantly withstand the power of the truth.

We need to lie, to others and ourselves, in order to live our daily lives. Of course, some falsehoods are greater than others. The necessary lie may be, “My life is not insignificant,” “I'll read that book someday,” or “This microwave burrito won’t give me cancer.” Beyond these daily rations of manipulated reality, some feel the need to push their constructed worlds onto others. These individuals have the stones/stupidity to promote the most outlandish ideas. When these untruths reach staggering heights of unbelievability, I have always felt that the speaker was really saying, “I think you’re dumb enough to believe this.” I refer to such fallacies as “phallacies.” A phallacy is a statement so outlandish that, to earnestly assert it as true, is to basically try to slap the other in the brain with your penis. For example, the following is a list of some of my favorite phallacies:

“I never bet on baseball.” – Pete Rose in the 80’s
“I never bet on the Reds.” – Pete Rose in the 90’s
“I never bet on the Reds to lose.” – Pete Rose 2007
“I never intentionally managed poorly in order to square over $750,000 in gambling debts with Frank “Meat Grinder” Cantaleone and then, when my cheating was discovered, I didn't kill Bart Giamatti.” – Pete Rose 2015

“I don’t know what the inside of Nicole Simpson’s neck looks like.” – O.J. Simpson

“I love you Kris Benson.” – Anna Benson

“I don’t believe in curses.” – Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella
“I don’t believe in curses.” – former Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker

<

“I'm not imagining this champagne as an extension of my body!” and
“Heterosexuality is my preferred lifestyle!!!” and finally
“I know how to quit you.” – these two racing guys

“I'm keeping it together . . . keeping it together . . . keeping it together . . . together . . . together.” – Ron Artest

“This team is going to be competitive!” – every Kansas City Royals manager for the past 19 seasons

"A life well spent!" - Vince McMahon

"Fantasy Baseball: Sleepers and Busts" by flukedriven and Rabid Cubs Fan

With baseball season just a few days away, fantasy baseball drafts are occurring all across our glorious nation. Here are SportsBone’s recommendations for 2007’s sleepers and busts.

Busts
1. Justin Verlander, starting pitcher, Detroit Tigers
Rabid Cubs Fan: Beware of drafting last years AL ROY. Including the playoffs, Verlander pitched over 200 innings for the first time in his career. My recent experience with young Cub pitchers may be slightly influencing my opinion, but I guarantee that his career will end in misery and pain, not just for him, but for the entire Tiger nation. Year after year Verlander will promise health and success and each year he will disappoint leaving Tiger fans disorientated and alone like a crosseyed teenage girl, stood-up on her prom night. Tommy John surgery, genetic looseness, and a calf explosion are all in this walking time bomb’s near future.

2. Troy Glaus, shortstop/third base, Toronto Blue Jays
flukedriven: It’s hard to say that Glaus will be a bust considering how productive he’s been the past two years (37hr 97rbi 78r in 2005, 38 104 105 in 2006). However, I got a hunch he’s due for an injury or two. Troy has battled knee problems the past few seasons. In addition, CBS Sportsline.com reported that he’s already receiving cortisone shots in his shoulder. Bill Hall may be a safer bet that is available a round or two later.

3. Albert Pugh-holes, First Pansy, St. Louis Cornholes
Rabid Cubs Fan: This purveyor of pop-ups, has been the most overrated player in baseball for years. Many so-called "experts" will tell you that his six straight years of at least 34 home runs, 117 RBI, and a .314 average make him one of the most consistent fantasy producers. You know how I respond to that? I don't. I just stare at 'em. I look right at them without blinking or saying a word for like twenty minutes. If they try to leave, I grab 'em and keep staring. And then, when it starts to get awkward, I say, "That's what they call a thousand yard stare. Cross me again and I'll show you how I earned it."


Sleepers
1. Alex Gordon, third base, Kansas City Royals
flukedriven: Gordon has everything that you’re looking for in a fantasy baseball player – power, average, and speed. The only thing he’s lacking is experience. While sophomore Ryan Zimmerman has generated a lot of buzz this year, Gordon will steal more bases and produce similar numbers at the plate. Gordon plays in a hitter friendly park while Zimmerman will lose home runs to RFK Stadium’s deep outfield. Consider spending higher picks on thinner positions and picking up Gordon in the later rounds.

2. Josh Barfield, second base, Cleveland Indians
flukedriven: I like what I saw from Josh Barfield last year and he should be better this year. The move from San Diego to Cleveland will improve his power numbers as the leftfield fence at Jacobs Field is 40 feet closer to home than its counterpart at PETCO Park and the left-centerfield fence is 30 feet closer. Expect him to hit 15-20 home runs and steal 25 bags.

3. Alfonso Soriano, center field, Chicago Cubs
Rabid Cubs Fan: Wikipedia describes a flamethrower as “a potent weapon with great psychological impact upon unprepared soldiers, delivering a particularly horrendous death.” Alfonso Soriano will provide similar results when deployed upon unsuspecting National League Central pitchers. This ubermensch will enact the “final solution” to the St. Louis problem.
Put it in stone: 69 home runs, 192 RBI, 102 stolen bases, and a .286 average.

SportsBone has arrived!

Welcome to SportsBone – the web’s number one blog for all things SportsBone related! Before we begin, we realize that you may have questions about SportsBone. We’d like to answer those questions so that you can focus on SportsBone and not that growing sense of unease and disaffectedness you’re experiencing.

1. What is SportsBone?
SportsBone can’t be adequately described by human language. The best we can do is say that SportsBone is more like the femur than the clavicle, more like the unincorporated than the incorporated, more like CSI Miami than CSI New York.

2. Why SportsBone?
After decades of deliberation, the assorted conglomeration of scientists, public relations consultants, philosophers, and zoo keepers that SportsBone collectively refers to as “Mommy,” decided that it was time to release their creation (some say abomination) upon the world. In order to facilitate their handiwork’s acceptance into society, they decided to give it a name. “SportsBone” was the unanimous choice as it would attract both sports fans and random internet porn searches.

3. Where is SportsBone?
Of course we can’t reveal the actual whereabouts of our secret lair but we can tell you that SportsBone is mobile and could be RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!

4. When is SportsBone?
Basically, anytime is the right time for SportsBone. For us though, nothing’s better than SportsBone after a nice meal of pig liver and radicchio. We will curl up next to the fire with our special lady friend, break out the Othello board, and spark up the SportsBone.

5. How do you SportsBone?
SportsBone can be snorted, injected, or hickory smoked. Most people just read it though.