SportsBone: Phallacies

The absolute truth, if even such a thing exists, is a massive stone, the weight of which the human soul cannot constantly bear. Our maker, whether chance or sentient force, made human consciousness flawed -- it is unable to constantly withstand the power of the truth.

We need to lie, to others and ourselves, in order to live our daily lives. Of course, some falsehoods are greater than others. The necessary lie may be, “My life is not insignificant,” “I'll read that book someday,” or “This microwave burrito won’t give me cancer.” Beyond these daily rations of manipulated reality, some feel the need to push their constructed worlds onto others. These individuals have the stones/stupidity to promote the most outlandish ideas. When these untruths reach staggering heights of unbelievability, I have always felt that the speaker was really saying, “I think you’re dumb enough to believe this.” I refer to such fallacies as “phallacies.” A phallacy is a statement so outlandish that, to earnestly assert it as true, is to basically try to slap the other in the brain with your penis. For example, the following is a list of some of my favorite phallacies:

“I never bet on baseball.” – Pete Rose in the 80’s
“I never bet on the Reds.” – Pete Rose in the 90’s
“I never bet on the Reds to lose.” – Pete Rose 2007
“I never intentionally managed poorly in order to square over $750,000 in gambling debts with Frank “Meat Grinder” Cantaleone and then, when my cheating was discovered, I didn't kill Bart Giamatti.” – Pete Rose 2015

“I don’t know what the inside of Nicole Simpson’s neck looks like.” – O.J. Simpson

“I love you Kris Benson.” – Anna Benson

“I don’t believe in curses.” – Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella
“I don’t believe in curses.” – former Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker

“I'm not imagining this champagne as an extension of my body!” and
“Heterosexuality is my preferred lifestyle!!!” and finally
“I know how to quit you.” – these two racing guys